Aslan, A New Mattress, Brené Brown, and Heart Rocks
Courage seems to be a big theme lately - it’s popping up everywhere. I shared about it in this blog post, and recently, in my email newsletter, The Kindred Letter, I shared my interpretation of that ubiquitous C.S. Lewis quote from The Voyage of the Dawn Treader - “Courage, dear heart.” (Sign up here for The Kindred Letter so you don’t miss an issue!)
Ever since I read all of the Narnia books, I’ll forever think of God as a lion fighting my battles, protecting me in places unseen, and fiercely yet tenderly guiding me.
This Aslan print above was a sweet gift from my friend Melissa for my writing desk, and it kept me company all the days this past year while I was writing my book. I wonder how many times I glanced at it and mustered up a little bit more courage?
As I’ve announced my book in the last few weeks, I’ve been feeling all the feels! But a swell of courage is definitely one of them.
And now, for a little story that will explain a little more about why.
A few days after Christmas, we got a new mattress for our bed after spending so many mornings waking up with crushed shoulders and numb arms. Both Steven and I do so much labor with our bodies, and we’ve been trying to find a comfortable mattress that works for both of us. After the first night on the new mattress, I awoke with cramps in my legs and knots in my shoulders, and apparently I had reached some sort of breaking point, because I started…crying.
I mean, what on earth? I could not stop crying.
As I sat in my room trying to pinpoint what was bothering me, I realized this was about something much deeper than a comfy mattress. Steven found me in a pretty poor state, and I confessed that I was feeling like my life was about to go through a huge change, and I needed something to be stable. I needed to have a bed where I could rest, and I needed my bedroom to be a place I could count on. It wasn’t really about the mattress, but it spoke volumes of what was really going on inside my heart. Somehow I’d let a feeling of dread enter my heart about the big changes about to occur in our lives as I made my book public, and I was spiraling out of control.
He listened, and then he suggested I needed to take a personal day. Since we were in that weird, nebulous week between Christmas and the New Year, our schedule was pretty open for the first time in months. I think all the hustle and bustle of holiday time piled on with the preparation for my book announcement was mounting in pressure. If I didn’t take some time to turn inward, focus myself on get my mindset in the right place, I wasn’t going to make it well through this new challenge.
He left the house with our daughters, and I started piddling around. I went to turn on “Fireplace For Your Home” on Netflix and instead saw the link for Brené Brown’s Netflix special, The Call To Courage. I’d heard excerpts from it but never watched it myself.
I brewed some hot tea and turned it on and was soon glued to the TV.
Oh, Brené, how do you do it? She just has a way of being authentic and funny and vulnerable and so, so wise. As I watched, some doubts I’ve been believing came to the surface, and some of her nuggets of wisdom slayed me in the best possible way…
“You’re going to know failure if you’re brave with your life.”
“Vulnerability is choosing to show up when you don’t know the outcome.”
“We are neuro-biologically hard-wired for connection with other people. In the absence of connection, love and belonging, there is always suffering.”
In short, I was reminded that sharing what I’ve written won’t be easy, but the hard work WILL be worth it. What I’ve written resonates because we absolutely all need authentic connection - to the land beneath our feet, to flesh-and-blood people, and to life around the table - now more than ever.
In The Call to Courage, Brené shares a story about her daughter embracing independence and going to the prom with friends and how Brené realized she was “dress-rehearsing tragedy” in that moment - fearing all the things that could happen to her daughter - instead of fully leaning into joy. In moments when we feel afraid and vulnerable, she said we lose our capacity for vulnerability, and “joy becomes foreboding. It becomes scary to let ourselves feel it.” She says that in her research on vulnerability, the research participants who had the capacity to lean fully into joy only shared one thing in common across all the variables: gratitude.
Bingo. The morning with the whole mattress breakdown, I was feeling some scary feelings about all the new things on my plate, new challenges to rise up to. The book has been close to my heart, my baby, my story, safely tucked inside me for so very long. And releasing that feels slightly terrifying. What should be a fun and joyful process was starting to feel…foreboding.
So, back to gratitude. I went outside and found a huge heart-shaped rock we’d found at the creek awhile back, and I got a Sharpie. As I sat on the front steps in the sunshine, I covered the entire thing with words of things I’m grateful for.
Ok, the heart shape miiiight be a bit of a stretch. Haha! It’s an abstract heart?
And I let out a deep, deep exhale.
These are all things I’m grateful for, regardless of whatever happens in my life.
I’m secure in the message I’ve been given to share, and I’m truly and genuinely grateful that I get to use my voice to share what I’m learning with you.
I’m actively making the choice to be vulnerable, to lean into joy and gratitude rather than let fear derail me. Fear might speak loudly sometimes, but I’ll continue doing everything I can to hear the call to courage even louder.
Knowing we are safe and secure, we can step out in courage and know it’s going to be okay.
This is the ultimate truth we can cling to:
“He alone is my safe place; his wraparound presence always protects me. For he is my champion defender; there’s no risk of failure with God.”
